Hi, My name is Alex.
They still let me graduate even though I made that face. I am the sole member of Jedi Bomb Squad Alumni, a super mediocre punk-rock band based out of Toledo, Ohio. I play the guitar, the bass, some synths, program some drums, and record everything myself in my own personal home recording studio. I realize that most of my music sounds like poop (from a butt), but that doesn't stop me from creating anyway. Some people have even described my most recent efforts as "fairly tolerable" and "okay," so I know that I am at least making improvements.
I am working on my newest, most super-cool album to date, entitled "Kid Songs For Grown-Ass Men." It is not good for kids, nor is it good for grown men. So I guess the title is kind of misleading, but I still think that maybe some people out there in the world would like it. With this in mind, I would like to go all-out with the release of said album. I want to have music videos, T-shirts, digital and physical copies, etc. I want to have a release party, where I have all the aforementioned items and there's also a party and everyone has tons of fun or something.
But there's one thing in particular I want above all else...
I need to get back at mike.
My creative endeavors have been funded over the past seven years by working retail/customer service jobs. They are not the most fun jobs, but they provide me with a comfortable enough lifestyle.
I won't talk your ear off about why customer service is not always so fun. Many of you are probably in similar positions, if not the exact same position. When you deal with nothing but people all day every day, you are bound to run into some less than savory characters.
My life in retail is no different. I have been shouted at, belittled, threatened, anything you can imagine. There was a point in my life where I could just shrug these negative experiences off and move on with my life. Then I met Mike.
I won't talk your ear off about why customer service is not always so fun. Many of you are probably in similar positions, if not the exact same position. When you deal with nothing but people all day every day, you are bound to run into some less than savory characters.
My life in retail is no different. I have been shouted at, belittled, threatened, anything you can imagine. There was a point in my life where I could just shrug these negative experiences off and move on with my life. Then I met Mike.
The above is a crude depiction of Mike, because I didn't have a camera at the time to take his picture. Plus, I doubt he would have liked that very much anyway.
Mike was a real mean son of a bitch. Mike came in wanting his way, and by God, if he didn't get it within 10 seconds of walking up to me, all hell was going to break loose. Mike's problem is that he didn't understand things like "policies," "procedures," and "not being a total dick-piece for no reason."
So, long story short, Mike wasn't getting his way, and decided to say a boat-load of dick-piece things to me. Here is a list of some of the more grating statements:
Mike was a real mean son of a bitch. Mike came in wanting his way, and by God, if he didn't get it within 10 seconds of walking up to me, all hell was going to break loose. Mike's problem is that he didn't understand things like "policies," "procedures," and "not being a total dick-piece for no reason."
So, long story short, Mike wasn't getting his way, and decided to say a boat-load of dick-piece things to me. Here is a list of some of the more grating statements:
- "You should not be in customer service. You are absolutely horrible at talking to people."
- "Look at you. You're so unprofessional. I mean, your facial hair looks like complete shit."
- "You must be new or something, because you clearly have no idea what you're talking about."
- "Am I upsetting you? What, are you gonna cry?"
- "I can't wait to call the better business bureau and your corporate office, and tell them how fucking horrible Alex is."
This list may look like standard fare to some. And as I said earlier, there was a time when I would let all this roll off my shoulder and just get over it.
But there was something about this interaction in particular that I couldn't get over. I think it was the way I handled it. Some would describe my reaction as that of a "total bitch." I took everything he said, and just kept on attempting to help him. I didn't speak out for myself, I didn't tell him that he can go ahead and leave if he's not willing to be a civil human being, nothing of that nature. I just sat there and took it.
I wasn't the only one to take it. Mike took something, too. He took my childhood innocence and my self-respect home with him that day.
But there was something about this interaction in particular that I couldn't get over. I think it was the way I handled it. Some would describe my reaction as that of a "total bitch." I took everything he said, and just kept on attempting to help him. I didn't speak out for myself, I didn't tell him that he can go ahead and leave if he's not willing to be a civil human being, nothing of that nature. I just sat there and took it.
I wasn't the only one to take it. Mike took something, too. He took my childhood innocence and my self-respect home with him that day.
Sad sad story! So what happened next?!
I went home, riddled with anger, and wrote a five and a half minute long song about how much Mike sucks. You can listen to it right here:
My parents called it immature. My Dad says I'm incapable of taking anything seriously. On the contrary, I've never taken anything more seriously in my whole life. Because I realized something very important about half-way into writing this song:
This song isn't just about Mike. Mike embodies every horrible customer you have ever dealt with, anybody who has ever unrighteously made you feel bad about yourself, anybody who has ever treated you like a lesser human being over some bullshit like being low on stock of Axe body spray or something. Mike IS the quintessential negative customer experience, and as such, this song has the potential to resonate strongly with a lot of people. Also, it's pretty silly and therapeutic to listen to.
I determined that it is with this song, that I will take my revenge on Mike.
This song isn't just about Mike. Mike embodies every horrible customer you have ever dealt with, anybody who has ever unrighteously made you feel bad about yourself, anybody who has ever treated you like a lesser human being over some bullshit like being low on stock of Axe body spray or something. Mike IS the quintessential negative customer experience, and as such, this song has the potential to resonate strongly with a lot of people. Also, it's pretty silly and therapeutic to listen to.
I determined that it is with this song, that I will take my revenge on Mike.
Yeah that sure is a song. so what exactly is the plan here?
I'm so glad you asked that. I actually have a hand-written copy of the original game plan for my song, that I will now share with you.
So ok, that whole plan seems full of lofty goals. To the layman. And maybe that thing at the end about the feces pennies is unnecessary. Maybe. But think of the absolute genius of a plan like this. A song completely explodes with viral-ity to the point of garnering media attention, to which I indulge, and take every opportunity to call Mike out as the living scum he is.
This is the ultimate revenge fantasy. Mike probably went home and forgot I exist. I didn't forget him, and I won't until I make him look like a total fool.
I realize that I sound like an absolutely insane person. That's ok. I'm talking about my awful punk band hiring Elton John to play piano for a song where I do nothing but shit on a guy nobody has ever heard of. Yes, the whole thing is absolutely insane, to a high degree. All the more reason for you to support it, and say you were a part of something bigger than me, bigger than yourself.
It doesn't stop at $300,000, or playing some song on live TV. It initiates a dialogue about the human interaction, and how we treat the people around us in our daily lives. It gets us thinking about the impact you have with your lashing out, and the impact that the little guy can have when he bands enough people together to rally for his cause.
If this sounds like something you would like to be involved with, even remotely, please check out the Kickstarter and see how you can get involved. Also, share this with other like-minded individuals. All your friends at K-Mart/Wal Mart/some other mart? I'm sure they would get at least some humor from this, and I sure would appreciate the exposure.
This is the ultimate revenge fantasy. Mike probably went home and forgot I exist. I didn't forget him, and I won't until I make him look like a total fool.
I realize that I sound like an absolutely insane person. That's ok. I'm talking about my awful punk band hiring Elton John to play piano for a song where I do nothing but shit on a guy nobody has ever heard of. Yes, the whole thing is absolutely insane, to a high degree. All the more reason for you to support it, and say you were a part of something bigger than me, bigger than yourself.
It doesn't stop at $300,000, or playing some song on live TV. It initiates a dialogue about the human interaction, and how we treat the people around us in our daily lives. It gets us thinking about the impact you have with your lashing out, and the impact that the little guy can have when he bands enough people together to rally for his cause.
If this sounds like something you would like to be involved with, even remotely, please check out the Kickstarter and see how you can get involved. Also, share this with other like-minded individuals. All your friends at K-Mart/Wal Mart/some other mart? I'm sure they would get at least some humor from this, and I sure would appreciate the exposure.